Dont look back in anger...

Its been almost two years since i walked into this place. And as cliched as it might be, it still feels like yesterday. As i look back on my life here, what is it that i see? What will i remember most of my time here? What will i leave behind? And what am i taking away?

Premature separation pangs, you might say, but i think its a little more than that. I'm trying to join the dots, like i tell a lot of people to...apparently, your life makes sense to you only when you look over your shoulder and see the pattern. I'm just talking to myself here...i'd have loved have had this conversation with anyone else, but who are my friends here? I asked myself that question today evening, and i couldnt really come up with a ready answer. The question pre-supposes that i have understood the notion of friendship, and thats something i'm not very equipped to accept. Are my friends the people who i go to class with, eat my meals with, and share this campus with? Are they the people who i smile at, crack a joke with, and walk away from? All around me, i see people with their little groups and gangs...bunches of friends who do everything together. I'd consciously stayed away from making something of the sort because i didnt want to limit my experience here to just what i saw and heard, of and with, a few people. I thought i'd be richer from the diversity of my friendships and i'd develop a better perspective...has that happened?

I guess we're genetically programmed to flock and this mechanism gives us not just an illusion of safety but also a someplace to anchor ourselves to...an affiliation to something. But do we really need to define ourselves by who's company we keep and how quickly we rush back to the fold if we find ourselves in any sort of trouble? I have an odd theory, and its called "every man for himself". Not meant to be sexist, but 'man' there is to be interpreted as human being, male, female or otherwise. Yeah, so like i was saying, i believe that each one of us develops a personality by interaction with other people and reflecting on these interactions and learning little lessons about what to do or what not to do and how best to go about either. All the same, we're never really supposed to limit our scope of interaction to the little clique we lord over from time to time (yup, definitely a lotta power games in those)...we roam this earth and interact in different ways with different people. Family is just a starting point it seems...some sort of a parachute...breaks your fall into life, and as soon as you reach a certain age, you hit the ground running and you're fumbling with many different modules and levels of relationship-management. Anyways, going on like this, after a while, you've kinda seen a lot of what there is to see and been to and through a lot of where there is to be, and voila! You're an independent human-being. You can carry your own cross (read: life) and you wont emit more than an occasional whine.

Far from it. I'm just an oddball with a lot of theories, which explains why most people who have the misfortune of knowing me for long enough cant get away quick enough! I think we've only just begun to get close and they say they've had enough...familiarity must breed some brand of contempt when it comes to me! I like being alone, when i think of it sometimes. It gives me clarity of thought and there's a lot of those to think about. At other times, i kinda exist like a fringe phenomenon. On the periphery of these groups...looking in, laughing, being concerned, sharing an opinion, taking a jibe, but never really involved. Is this a good thing? Its not really a nice thing, by the book in which rules for being best-friend are written, but it suits me just as well. At least, unlike others, i dont have to bother about having a place to land on before i jump from one place. And this way, you can say pretty much whatever is on your mind without thinking of the implications of a number of people in the vicinity getting disappointed/hurt/enraged. And you dont have to justify everything you do as a retaliation to some imagined grievance inflicted on you by one of your closest (Oh, you Brutus, you Judas...how could you?!). You just go ahead and do what you feel like without fear of censure.

I guess i really am better off on my own. That way there's only me to contend with and i'm pretty predictable, so i think i get by :P So then, do i have friends? Yes. And do i have friends? No. Make any sense? No. Does it matter? Definitely not!

I guess that what i'l take away from this place. Its just let me be. And i realize thats how i like it.



[p.s. If you detect even an iota of what seems like self-pity in this post, plz let me know...i'l nuke the post.]