Dont look back in anger...

Its been almost two years since i walked into this place. And as cliched as it might be, it still feels like yesterday. As i look back on my life here, what is it that i see? What will i remember most of my time here? What will i leave behind? And what am i taking away?

Premature separation pangs, you might say, but i think its a little more than that. I'm trying to join the dots, like i tell a lot of people to...apparently, your life makes sense to you only when you look over your shoulder and see the pattern. I'm just talking to myself here...i'd have loved have had this conversation with anyone else, but who are my friends here? I asked myself that question today evening, and i couldnt really come up with a ready answer. The question pre-supposes that i have understood the notion of friendship, and thats something i'm not very equipped to accept. Are my friends the people who i go to class with, eat my meals with, and share this campus with? Are they the people who i smile at, crack a joke with, and walk away from? All around me, i see people with their little groups and gangs...bunches of friends who do everything together. I'd consciously stayed away from making something of the sort because i didnt want to limit my experience here to just what i saw and heard, of and with, a few people. I thought i'd be richer from the diversity of my friendships and i'd develop a better perspective...has that happened?

I guess we're genetically programmed to flock and this mechanism gives us not just an illusion of safety but also a someplace to anchor ourselves to...an affiliation to something. But do we really need to define ourselves by who's company we keep and how quickly we rush back to the fold if we find ourselves in any sort of trouble? I have an odd theory, and its called "every man for himself". Not meant to be sexist, but 'man' there is to be interpreted as human being, male, female or otherwise. Yeah, so like i was saying, i believe that each one of us develops a personality by interaction with other people and reflecting on these interactions and learning little lessons about what to do or what not to do and how best to go about either. All the same, we're never really supposed to limit our scope of interaction to the little clique we lord over from time to time (yup, definitely a lotta power games in those)...we roam this earth and interact in different ways with different people. Family is just a starting point it seems...some sort of a parachute...breaks your fall into life, and as soon as you reach a certain age, you hit the ground running and you're fumbling with many different modules and levels of relationship-management. Anyways, going on like this, after a while, you've kinda seen a lot of what there is to see and been to and through a lot of where there is to be, and voila! You're an independent human-being. You can carry your own cross (read: life) and you wont emit more than an occasional whine.

Far from it. I'm just an oddball with a lot of theories, which explains why most people who have the misfortune of knowing me for long enough cant get away quick enough! I think we've only just begun to get close and they say they've had enough...familiarity must breed some brand of contempt when it comes to me! I like being alone, when i think of it sometimes. It gives me clarity of thought and there's a lot of those to think about. At other times, i kinda exist like a fringe phenomenon. On the periphery of these groups...looking in, laughing, being concerned, sharing an opinion, taking a jibe, but never really involved. Is this a good thing? Its not really a nice thing, by the book in which rules for being best-friend are written, but it suits me just as well. At least, unlike others, i dont have to bother about having a place to land on before i jump from one place. And this way, you can say pretty much whatever is on your mind without thinking of the implications of a number of people in the vicinity getting disappointed/hurt/enraged. And you dont have to justify everything you do as a retaliation to some imagined grievance inflicted on you by one of your closest (Oh, you Brutus, you Judas...how could you?!). You just go ahead and do what you feel like without fear of censure.

I guess i really am better off on my own. That way there's only me to contend with and i'm pretty predictable, so i think i get by :P So then, do i have friends? Yes. And do i have friends? No. Make any sense? No. Does it matter? Definitely not!

I guess that what i'l take away from this place. Its just let me be. And i realize thats how i like it.



[p.s. If you detect even an iota of what seems like self-pity in this post, plz let me know...i'l nuke the post.]

why i must write...

Because words once spoken
can never be revoked...
I try not to cut, bruise or harm...
all the scars betray my inefficacy.
To wound is not my prerogative,
try, as I might, to heal...
I must not give what I cannot take,
I cannot give what I must not take.
Are all equals equal?
Are all deals fair?
I have been as fair as I have been unfair...
is that a fair and equal deal?

What then, of all these words,
hypothetical bodies for fleeting emotions...
'joy' is a label on an endomorphin,
'sorrow' is a pit in my gut...
What when they fill the racks in my mind
that are sentences, expressions, emotions?
Too much data in too little space,
too much rawness in a limited place...
They overflow...with or without my consent...
revelling in, and rebuking with, their nakedness.
They tumble and roll off my tongue,
closely followed by incoherent apologies...

Thrills, chills, cheers, tears, fears...
train of thought running amok.
Derailed, deranged, dismayed, depraved,
hurtling towards Pandemonium.
Macabre mind, factory of fury,
sadistically sneering as conscience cringes...
It asks...demands, "Isnt this my right?
To vent, rage, storm and fight!
Is not my voice my weapon of war,
my mind the maker of all ordnance?"

Therefore, the part which asks, "Why must i write?"
...is exactly, why i must write.
I must write all that i see
but all that i write, they must not see.
The less said, the less heard...
the less spoken, the less hurt.
Laid bare for a moment,
then completely concealed...
the words still flow,
but my lips are sealed.

just another day in the life of the wanderer...

sumtyms i wonder wht'd happen if i din eva wake up, afta one of those long,lonesome nights...rite from the time i was a kid,its been a morbid kinda fantasy to die n watch my own funeral frm above or below or whreva...who all attend...who's tears really flow...how many faux displays of grief...how many ppl sayin i had it comin!!lol...
anywayz...today is yet another of those days whn u wake up,n wonder wht i shud do to make today more meaningful...sumtyms i'm pursued by this fear tht i havent done anythn to justify my existence here...ppl are fallin like flies all around...if were to be next,how'd i make my peace wid my maker??post-college angst,u'l say...or maybe,existential crisis...i dunno...i'v alwayz thot a lot more thn's good for me...
i see so many ppl pass thru life widout so much as a thot about wht lies below the surface...they seem to be able to handle it all best...so am i carryin excess baggage by tring to dig a lil deeper?is it the best thin to be doin wht everyone's doin at the time,and not ask too many questions?certainly seems that way,from whr i stand...
sumtyms ppl seem false in their interaction with each other...does this happen in their "i,me n myself" conversations also?i mean,is it the best thin to tell urself tht ur doin just fine,n get the hell along with it...rather than spend tym wonderin wht u've lost to gain wht u have...i've heard tht life's like a crucible,whr ur burnt at very high temperatures to get rid of the impurities in u...and they still write songs tht go,"...take me as i am..."...lolz!!never really worked tht way,rite???
i'm not really as pessimistic or fatalistic as i mite seem,for all the doomsayin n all...lol...i guess its just "tht tym of the month"...mental menstruation!!lol..i cud hav been less gross n said,emotional load shedding,or sumthn like tht...but the 1st one is so much more on-the-spot!lolz...anywayz...maybe tomorrow will be a difren day from all these other todays...thts the die-hard optimist in me speakin...he musta managed to surface for a breath from under all that dank,dark morbidity...gone under again now..dunno for how long...anywayz...guess i'l hust hafta stick around n wait..n hope he wont drown this tym.

about me...

i've wandered far and wide....
i've wondered what and why....
in vain,do i seek the fruit of this,my desperate,undying quest.
who am i?
why am i here?
what have i been called upon to do?
is this my fate?
what is my fate?
why is it my fate?
can i not fight,to be what i want....
can i not stand my ground,to move ahead?
what is my purpose on earth,
the reason for my existence,
my raison-de-etre?
am i worth all i have?
do i have to be worth anything?
who can tell me all that i want to know....
who has all the answers to these questions,
that gnaw at me from within the deepest recesses of my fevered mind....
a voice in my head told me to look within me....
it spoke of my conscience,
the God within me....
but He tells me what to do and what not to do,
not why to do,not why not to do.
that,i must learn on my own.
i feel alone,surrounded by voices,eyes,bodies,lives,
but still utterly alone.
i pray...
if there is a God,
whether above or below,
dont make what i'm doing,right,
make me do the right thing.
i crave,i thirst...
the song beckons to be sung,
but the words still elude me.
blaze rather than fade...
but who sees by my light?
have i made a difference?
will i ever?
i am free to fly,
but where do i go from here?
what does tomorrow hold for me?
and the day after that?
is there a tomorrow?
and a day after that?
i remain eternally...
The Wanderer.
anonymous.....till i find me.

da beginning...

in the beginning...there was darkness...and then God said..let there be light...

and so the story began.