just another day in the life of the wanderer...

sumtyms i wonder wht'd happen if i din eva wake up, afta one of those long,lonesome nights...rite from the time i was a kid,its been a morbid kinda fantasy to die n watch my own funeral frm above or below or whreva...who all attend...who's tears really flow...how many faux displays of grief...how many ppl sayin i had it comin!!lol...
anywayz...today is yet another of those days whn u wake up,n wonder wht i shud do to make today more meaningful...sumtyms i'm pursued by this fear tht i havent done anythn to justify my existence here...ppl are fallin like flies all around...if were to be next,how'd i make my peace wid my maker??post-college angst,u'l say...or maybe,existential crisis...i dunno...i'v alwayz thot a lot more thn's good for me...
i see so many ppl pass thru life widout so much as a thot about wht lies below the surface...they seem to be able to handle it all best...so am i carryin excess baggage by tring to dig a lil deeper?is it the best thin to be doin wht everyone's doin at the time,and not ask too many questions?certainly seems that way,from whr i stand...
sumtyms ppl seem false in their interaction with each other...does this happen in their "i,me n myself" conversations also?i mean,is it the best thin to tell urself tht ur doin just fine,n get the hell along with it...rather than spend tym wonderin wht u've lost to gain wht u have...i've heard tht life's like a crucible,whr ur burnt at very high temperatures to get rid of the impurities in u...and they still write songs tht go,"...take me as i am..."...lolz!!never really worked tht way,rite???
i'm not really as pessimistic or fatalistic as i mite seem,for all the doomsayin n all...lol...i guess its just "tht tym of the month"...mental menstruation!!lol..i cud hav been less gross n said,emotional load shedding,or sumthn like tht...but the 1st one is so much more on-the-spot!lolz...anywayz...maybe tomorrow will be a difren day from all these other todays...thts the die-hard optimist in me speakin...he musta managed to surface for a breath from under all that dank,dark morbidity...gone under again now..dunno for how long...anywayz...guess i'l hust hafta stick around n wait..n hope he wont drown this tym.

about me...

i've wandered far and wide....
i've wondered what and why....
in vain,do i seek the fruit of this,my desperate,undying quest.
who am i?
why am i here?
what have i been called upon to do?
is this my fate?
what is my fate?
why is it my fate?
can i not fight,to be what i want....
can i not stand my ground,to move ahead?
what is my purpose on earth,
the reason for my existence,
my raison-de-etre?
am i worth all i have?
do i have to be worth anything?
who can tell me all that i want to know....
who has all the answers to these questions,
that gnaw at me from within the deepest recesses of my fevered mind....
a voice in my head told me to look within me....
it spoke of my conscience,
the God within me....
but He tells me what to do and what not to do,
not why to do,not why not to do.
that,i must learn on my own.
i feel alone,surrounded by voices,eyes,bodies,lives,
but still utterly alone.
i pray...
if there is a God,
whether above or below,
dont make what i'm doing,right,
make me do the right thing.
i crave,i thirst...
the song beckons to be sung,
but the words still elude me.
blaze rather than fade...
but who sees by my light?
have i made a difference?
will i ever?
i am free to fly,
but where do i go from here?
what does tomorrow hold for me?
and the day after that?
is there a tomorrow?
and a day after that?
i remain eternally...
The Wanderer.
anonymous.....till i find me.

da beginning...

in the beginning...there was darkness...and then God said..let there be light...

and so the story began.